ripped apart on your account
my beliefes and opinions are filth in my mind
second changes dont matter in your eyes, you say
first time round i should finish and fail
endure your dissapointment, oh lord who'd have seen that one coming
my mindset you've moulded to your own satisfaction

a friend i've not spoken to in a long time sent me this one piece of advice when i asked for outside opinion; "the first step towards getting what you want is knowing what you want."
since then, i've been trying to figure out what it actually is that i want, and i get nothing but these distorted, blurred images of things that could be specific if only they were more clear to me. i've been trying and trying but i don't know what i want.
i have ideas, ideas my unhelpful family have taught me are far-fetched but i've decided it would be better for my health and mindset not to give them any sort indication that i care what they say. it would be better for me to distance myself from them and their beliefs. atleast until i am my own.
and so these images, i know what they could be, i'm just too damn scared and lazy to clean them up, look at them and say, "right. this is it. this is what i have to work towards, no matter what." it's a meaningless gesture to point blame for this, its my fault and my own. i don't blame anyone for. well. i do. i blame a lot of people, a lot of things, a lot of circumstances. and i fullly intend to let all that blame out, sooner or later. to rid myself of the burden of keeping it inside. but right now what i need is... right now, book. a means of keeping myself busy. i need books, academic books that i need to read and make notes from, and just overall distract myself and give myself a feeling of purpose. i want to feel the pressure of studies, and the glory of knowing what i know. i want to taste excellence again. i want the rush of knowledge. call me crazy, or nerdy, whichever pleases you more.

1- i want books for french, sociology, pshycology, english language and literature, A LEVEL.
2- i want to get admission in an A LEVEL school that offers those subjects.
3- i want to get a job, temporarily.
4- i want a reason to write.
5- i want friends that are like me.
6- i want to let go of these people.

Oh no I just keep on falling
(Back to the same old…)
Where's hope when misery comes crawling?
(oh my way-ay)
With your faith you'll trigger a landslide
(victory)
To kill off this common sense of mine

It takes acquired minds to taste, to taste, to taste this wine
You can't doubt it with your eyes
So we don't meet the headlines
We don't need the headlines
We just want…

(We want the airways back, we want the airways back)

Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?
Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?

Right now you're the only reason
(I'm not letting go, oh…)
and im out if everyone's worth pleasing
(wa ah)
You'll trigger a landslide
(Victory)
to kill off their finite state of mind

It takes acquired minds to taste, to taste, to taste this wine
You can't doubt it with your eyes
So we don't meet the headlines
No, we don't want your headlines
We just want…

(We want the airways back, we want the airways)

Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?
Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure now?
Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, do you feel the pressure?

Alright, so you think you're ready?
Ok, then you say this with me
Go!
We were born for this
(We were born for this)
Alright, so you think you're ready?
OK, then you say this with me
Go!
We were born for this
(We were born for this)
We were born for this
(We were born for this)

We were born for
We were born for

Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure?
Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see
Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure now?
Everybody sing like it's the last song you will ever sing
Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure?
Tell me, tell me, can you feel the pressure?

We were born for this
We were born for this
We were born for this

only truly happy when you're not smiling, eh? christ. i cant remember what its like to be "truly happy". and screw it. who wants to be anyway. im starting to get sick of people controlling my future. if i screw up, i dont want to blame someone else. i want to be able to blame myself. fucking easier that way. i'll learn more, wont i? if they're my own mistakes? yeah. och, i need to get this out. i need to read a dictionary. maybe. or a good book? aye, i need something to give me a headstart, perhaps a new muse...
dont people want to stay happily in one moment in their entire life? i was thinking, and i couldnt come up with the perfect moment. a moment i would put on repeat.

pointless gestures and meaningless words pour out as you live another day
managing to survive, ceasing to resist all
dreaming of the days where the sun shone to make you smile
tears and scars are of no importance anymore
merely childish to those that held your hands
pull back the hood and let the shiver run down you
too naive to know the meanings and too stubborn to admit the feelings

i like to spin.

ive been wanting to write something deep and profound for a while now, but i cant seem to come up with anything i can call good.
i dont have a writers block. i have lots of things i want to write down. words that float around in my head and vanish the second i think of writing them down. but to be honest, all i want to do right now is meet up with my nerds, go ice skating and come back to sarahs park with a bruised butt.
i want to spin around facing the sun, and find someone to run with me. and i want to go to scotland and speak like, "ayyye och thats bumm noo."
whats the point of being utterly depressed when you know it wont achieve anything? you wont get anywhere. ive decided, for the moment, to be content. because honestly, happiness is such an extreme. if youre happy, you'll get miserable sooner or later.
offcourse, it can be done. being happy and content at the same time. but when you arent baking cookies out of joy, bake them cos you can.

i would like to believe that they love me unconditionally. but then i realise, after i slam the door, that its bullshit. am i not allowed to keep friends? are we reallie that old fashoined? nay, even in the most olden days people were allowed friends.
was life reallie betterwhen we had no relationships with each other? when we HAD to have a reason to talk to others, like wanting to know where something was, or if we could have some money. do they prefer the days where i sat in my room listening to depressing songs and cutting myself because i had no real friends, to THIS? where i am actually confident, where i can make friends, and am a bit happie?
gee, i believe they do actually prefer the goth to the hippie.
unlike some, change is not killing me. i can handle the change. some of it, if not all.
and i cannot see myself ANYWHERE in the next 5, nay, 2 years because i have been taught not to believe in myself. that i just cant do better.
that fact is it.
"a hideous man that you dont understand."
to them, happiness is defined by money. rapture needs permission from the law, the neighbours.
my dream? i havent the slightest. its theirs, to make and to destroy. their screams are whispers to me now. id try my hardest, but they dont know how to ENCOURAGE. thats all i need. a bit of encouragement.
discourage, discourage, discourage. its plastered on their brains. no, not hearts, brains. ive learnt enough about the heard to know its just an organ that pump in our body.
it has no other purpose.
a bit like me. im being moulded into whatever it is that they believe i should be.

i wrote this a few months ago. may/june-ish.
isnt it sad that i still feel the same way.

"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we do about peace, more about death than we do about living."

This must be what others call an emotional breakdown. When you cant seem to handle being anywhere near your friends or family, and everything anyone says annoys you like a buzzing bee that follows your every move. I want nothing more than to be accepted, but then I want to make myself different than the rest, so I dont choke in the familiarity of everything. I'll never understand how twins can stand to be around each other. Mustn't it suck knowing that another human being has the exact same genes, exact same features as you? It should. I'd never be able to breathe properly knowing that someone is the same as me. Och. Sometimes people have good reasons to want to be accepted; the people who just want to show that they have something unique to give to the world. It doesn't help when you're surrounded by examples of The Betters, though. The people who are just better at everything, every single thing, and make it their lifes purpose to show it off.
This morning, I woke up and had barely said salam [old habit, thank you very much] to my mother as she shouted, "Change [in my pj's,hello??] and come outside, NOW!"
I thought something or the other had happenend to the house or the car. Maybe someone had egged them both. ;] But alas, I was wrong. Only a teensy bit though.
Someone, or something as my moms been saying it, had ripped the car cover to shreads. Literally, ripped into tiny little pieces it was. And one of those think-ass leather covers, with the double lining and everything.
My moms petrified at the moment.
-sigh-
Gee. And my cat isnt home yet.

ah. how i missed you, bloggy. what wonderful times we've had. i had some morbid poems to write here, but i think i lost them. or maybe they're saved somewhere. im sure ill be arsed to look for them soon enough.

strange, how so many strangers can trust you with their darkest and most disgusting secrets, and expect you to approve. what am i? your parent? no darling, im just a new girl who happens to be open minded. i dont reallie care about any of your crap because i hardly effin know you, do i.

darkness surrounds as you listen to a heartbeat
too fast, you think, too fast it seems to be going
salty tears fall lightly on your taste buds
and a metal, sharp and cold, rests innocently in your palm
your nerves send these strange, foreign impulses to your brain that bring pain along with numbness
strange and foreign, yet so extremely familiar
like it was only yesterday that you licked that liquid off your wrist
yes, only yesterday
hide it,so as not to bring out shame or anger
and act like nothing whatever has changed in your body
do not let on that the numbness is a joy
that you will treat the crimson liquid like some sacred wine
forever to be kept safe

yesterday, i was asked by a loved one who was the one person i missed the most at that very moment. offcourse, i couldnt come up with anything. my mind did go through a lot of names and faces, but i couldnt pinpoint to one person. maybe im just coldhearted like that. or maybe, i simply dont miss anyone because ive realized that NO-ONE misses me. ive realized that after everything you do for people you love, if you lose contact, they wont bother with you.
they honestly wont give a crap. and while you sit there, thinking of how you miss them and wish they were with you, they sit with their happiness and are content with their life.
and you.
you just arent effin worth it.

i long to feel that sharp metal touch me again
like some lover, lost in the sea
and maybe one day i might stop
but in the back of my mind
there is always a way out

four walls and a door hold me in
safe from the dangers of The Outside
and i look in the mirror
only to be disappointed and fall back on the floor again

i long to feel that sharp metal touch me again
like some lover, lost in the sea
and maybe one day i might stop
but in the back of my mind
there is always a way out

scratch away old scabs,
may they remain in the form of scars
to remind me of what i am,
and from beyong the grave, what i once happily was

i long to feel that sharp metal touch me again
like some lover, lost in the sea
and maybe one day i might stop
but in the back of my mind
there is always a way out

a closet filled with clothes that hide arms
for a glance in their direction fills my eyes with shame
reminders that is it i myself that cannot be controlled
reminders that The Outsiders have no need to be told

i long to feel that sharp metal touch me again
like some lover, lost in the sea
and maybe one day i might stop
but in the back of my mind
there is always a way out

always.